Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
