You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
