if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
