Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
