Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
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