I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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