he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
