I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Is it because I queefed?
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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