So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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