paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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