He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize