...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
