apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
