plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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