"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
