Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
