I met the friendliest cop last night
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Church boner. Awkwardddd
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
