she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
