Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
My dick has a subreddit
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
