My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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