So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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