I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
