It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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