I have demons in me.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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