I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
You need a sexual gate keeper
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Randomize
