We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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