After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize