1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I think your dad took our porno
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize