I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
