He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
i think i just lost a toe
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
