The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
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