Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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