So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
