Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
