when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
