if i can run in heels then i can drive
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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