Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
