Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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