Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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