Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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