If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
