im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
