I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
