think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
