I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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