She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
