So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
