dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
