I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
