You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
She's the barista slut.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize