I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
