I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
