I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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