we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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