The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
