break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
