My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
