I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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